Six years ago, a stranger arrived in our house – my mother. Time has a way of making one a stranger. I lived with her growing up (18 years), then apart (38 years), and now we are back together. Her friend and roommate of many years passed away suddenly, and she sorely lacked transportation (she did not drive a car). Plus, we had all noticed that she was starting to show signs of not thinking clearly and forgetting frequently. I had always promised that I would take care of her when she got old, so here I am fulfilling that commitment. The entire family calls her “Grandma”, so henceforth I’ll refer to her as Grandma.
It was a year or so after Grandma began living with us, that I realized she needed to be seeing a Geriatric physician. Although I loved the general doctor she had been going to, the doctor wasn’t noticing the things I saw in our short visit and she was not equipped nor had the time to deal with them. It took a while to get in to see a Geriatric doctor, but with being agreeable to be seen by several interns first (assisted by the doctor), we got in. Now we have an excellent Geriatric doctor who spends a complete hour with her every time we go. He is a one-stop-shop who is not only a primary care doctor but is specially trained in the aging process.
They gave her some fun “mental” written tests including being asked to draw a clock showing a given time, filling in the numbers and hands. She didn’t quite pass it. They also did some CT scans of her brain. The results, she has the dreaded D-word “Dementia” but it was a mixed. What’s the mix? Part of her issue is “vascular dementia” which is inadequate blood flow to the brain; in other words, she’s had mini strokes which has blocked major blood flow in the brain; the other part is dementia caused by Alzheimer’s. All this would soon play out in loss of memory, language – having trouble speaking, finding and forming the right words, that causes a slow decline in memory, thinking, judgment, and reasoning skills.
The Toe Incident. As an example of poor judgment, recently my husband and I went to the gym nearby to work out. When we came back, Grandma came hobbling unevenly towards us with a bleeding toe. “What happened?”, I asked. I wondered how something could have happened in an hour. “My toenail fell off,” Grandma explained. I remembered her toenail was turning black due to another nail fungus, but she adamantly refused to see the foot doctor again. It wasn’t worth the battle. “Have you put anything on your toe?,” I calmly inquired. “Yes, let me show you,” she said while limping over to the cabinet under the sink. Swinging the door open, she pointed to a can. “I sprayed this on my toe,” a proud smile came across her face. With shocked amazement I picked up the can and held it in the air. “This is a can of air freshener. You sprayed air freshener on your toe,” my tone was louder than normal. Grandma paused for a moment and said, “Look it says it kills 99% of germs”. “This is unbelievable!,” I said to myself. “This is for germs in the air, not on your body”, I emphasized. I wondered that it surely must have hurt spraying it on a bleeding wound. But Grandma seemed unphased by my words of truth. So, I grabbed the Neosporin (after doing quick research on the internet) spreading it over her toe and carefully laid a large bandage on it. I shook my head at the incident but also marveled at how calmly I reacted – I would not have reacted so well several years ago.
When Grandma first came to live with us, her critical comments and destructive actions, would light a bonfire within me. At times the uncaring comments went deep, like arrows being shot in the most tender spots. Yet I dare not say anything to her, I didn’t want to hurt her back. Instead I would go in my bedroom and throw pillows around and talk to myself. I’m sure I looked like the crazy one. Occasionally, I would vent to family members. Having my mother live with us especially in her condition seemed so unfair. This was not a road I wanted to walk but I had made a promise, a responsibility I felt compelled to uphold. Plus, I knew deep down there was purpose in this. I could gradually feel God wanted to change my heart throughout this rocky journey. I haven’t been cooperative at times in what He was teaching me. There were times I felt God was giving me a test, and sometimes I would look up at the sky and say “I ain’t passing the test am I”? I feel like I’m passing the test now more often than not.
The Rose Bush Incident. I did not pass the test with the red rose bush incident. It all happened a couple of years ago when I had gone out to the store and upon returning, I saw a pile of rose branches piled up with fresh roses still on them. I glanced at our beautiful bushy red rose bush nestled beside the patio out back and it was literally butchered. She had lopped off almost all the branches with a pair of scissors. I was visibly upset. While washing the dishes, I could feel anger swelling up. Soon tears welled up in my eyes. I wondered how she could destroy such a beautiful rose bush. It didn’t make any sense. I asked frankly, “why did you cut up the rose bush?” Grandma said, “it was too bushy, it was in the way”. “ In the way of what?” I asked. She didn’t respond. I then told her how I felt and I didn’t want her to ever cut our bushes again, for any reason. She did seem to care that I was upset; she wanted to do it, and that was that. Dementia plays out differently with each personality. The determined personality will always be headstrong. Looking back, I was surprised how emotional I was over the rose bush, it would grow back or worst case, we could plant a new one. God was working on my anger.
Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Proverbs 14:29
Conversations can be fun. I resolved to find ways to curtail my frustration into a semblance of peace. I soon learned that casual conversations can be turned around to ensure laughter. Sometimes saying something absolutely ridiculous can lighten the mood and create laughter.
Mike (my husband) calling out…. I’m going to Home Depot.
Grandma: I noticed Mike’s truck is gone, where is he?
Me: Well he left us for good. We are going to have to fend for ourselves. What do you think about growing our own crops?
Grandma: A smile and laughter
“A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.” Proverbs 17:22
Join me my friend in this journey as I share with you past and present true stories along with interesting interactions with Grandma. Whether you are a caregiver or have an elderly parent you are dealing with, I’ll be sharing some moments that you’ll find uplifting, funny, sad, crazy, and endearing, but all will be a refreshing rain of real life sprinkled with wisdom and faith. We are all dealing with pressure and an array of issues in life. I pray that God renews your strength as you take one day at a time.