Betty didn’t own a car, so the middle-aged woman took the city bus to the rough neighborhood. The community used to be new, nice, and charming but now reports of violence had turned up in the news. Her uncle lived in this neighborhood and suspiciously died in a house fire. When Betty heard of it, she was bent on investigating and searching through the rubble. She had taken the bus ride there once before, always with just enough money in her purse for the ride. She really should have been a detective. She was so eager to dig through the charred house for clues. Her teenage son and daughter were leery about the idea of her going out there alone and voiced their objection; but she went anyway.
It was that day that her children wondered where their mother was. They got a call that their mother was in the hospital. Hours earlier, Betty was waiting at the bus stop to head back home when a black teenager slowly crossed the street walking towards her. She thought nothing of it, but as he passed her, he suddenly grabbed her purse. She held on tight. Angry that she wouldn’t give it up, he then punched her in the face several times hoping she’d release it. She screamed as loud as she could, and he ran off. Soon the police arrived. The hospital did what they could to alleviate the pain and her horribly swollen black and blue face, mostly on one side of her face. Betty still had to go to work to make ends meet and did not look forward to her coworkers seeing her like this. They never caught the guy that leveled the blows. Her face was swollen for several weeks. It was inconceivable to me that she held no bitterness towards the guy. Beyond belief, she completely forgave him. What events happened in her life that equipped her to forgive others like this?
It was 1948. Betty was in high school living with her father when suddenly he died of a heart attack. You can imagine how devasted she was losing her beloved father so abruptly. As a 17-year-old young woman, she was thrown out to the world; she was on her own. Fortunately, she inherited a minimal amount of money to help her carry on. One day, someone she trusted, someone who asked to borrow money from her promising to pay it back; they never did. Although she felt bitter about the betrayal for many years, she eventually forgave this person in heart of their debt.
It was 1956. Betty was now married and had two children. She was happy as a housewife and mother to a 3 ½ year old boy and a 6-month baby girl. One day, her husband came home from work and announced that he didn’t love her anymore. Heartbroken, she watched him abruptly pick up his things and move away to be with another woman. Her now ex-husband did send some money to help with living expenses initially, over a few short years the money ceased. His actions forced Betty to find a job to support herself and the children. Unbelievably, while the children grew up, she never once said anything derogatory about their father. It took time but implausibly, she completely forgave him.
This person I’ve been talking about, Betty, is my mother and these are true stories. There are other stories of forgiveness in her life, but I wanted to share just a few. Sadly, my mother passed away this year, but as I think about her virtues, one quality stands out; its what forgiveness looks like. Little would I know, I myself would go through many trials in life; I would need that trait.
What forgiveness is?
The Merriam-Webster dictionary says forgiveness is to cease to feel resentment against an offender (to forgive one’s enemies). To give up resentment of a claim (forgive an insult). To grant relief from payment (forgive a debt).
The truth is we live in a fallen world and there are people in life that will hurt you, whether intentionally or unintentionally. Perhaps you wish you were raised differently, you were mistreated by a friend, backstabbed by a coworker, had broken trust from a spouse, were physically, emotionally, or mentally abused by someone, or even worse – the list goes on.
Forgiving Improves Your Health
The medical field says that forgiving others will improve your health and overall well-being.
- Healthier relationships with family and friends.
- Improved mental health.
- Less anxiety, stress, and hostility.
- Fewer symptoms of depression.
- Lower blood pressure.
- A stronger immune system.
- Improved heart health.
- Improved self-esteem.
Why is it so Difficult to Forgive Someone?
It’s our fleshly human nature to hold on to the injustice, dwelling on the deep hurt and replaying the transgression in our minds which stirs up more anger giving birth to hatred and hostility taking root in in our very soul. Our nature to is to get even, to talk in callous ways to those who have wronged us, an eye-for-an-eye, to get revenge. Even a small offense can burrow its way into our hearts. We tell total strangers and people on social media about our hurts, enlisting support from all who will listen, even listening to Satan whispering lies in our ear. Hanging on to the injury is just another way of continuing to punish the offender. All this fuels our sense of unfairness into an even deeper level of resentment.
Are You Holding a Grudge?
Holding onto a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die
Holding onto a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die. The poison is consuming you my friend, not the other person. By consciously letting go of grudges, truly forgiving them, growing from what happened and moving on, you are setting yourself free from the injustice. Stop becoming so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present. Don’t bring your outrage into relationships by hanging on to the injustice. I know it’s not easy but it’s time to let it go.
Forgive Because We are Forgiven
I know, forgiving others is just plain hard. God sent his son, Jesus, who came to earth for the sole purpose of forgiving everything you have done, are doing, and are going to do. Forgiveness is offered to those who genuinely repent and seek His forgiveness. Likewise, as Christians we should have the same attribute of mercy to pardon others.
“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9
Seek reconciliation and restoration
Start now by taking steps towards moving past your past hurts, resolving conflicts, initiating positive conversations, and although it may take time, work towards healing your own broken spirit through forgiveness.
Pray
Pray and seek God’s guidance by asking Him:
- For the strength to put away your bitterness and anger and forgive others.
- For the capacity to show genuine love and kindness to those who have wronged you.
“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you”. Ephesians 4:31-32
It’s a Way of Life
Forgiveness is not a one-time deal, instead it’s an ongoing process, a way of life. As hard as it is, we are called to continually forgive others, knowing that they can also receive ongoing forgiveness from God.
Corrie Ten-Boom
I finally read the book, “The Hiding Place” by Corrie Ten Boom and I could not put it down (a must read). After World War II was over, Corrie was speaking at an assembly and a man stepped out to meet her. She remembered him, a German guard at the cruel and inhumane concentration camp she was in. Click here to read an excerpt of her struggle to forgive him.
“Those who were able to forgive their former enemies were able also to return to the outside world and rebuild their lives, no matter what the physical scars. Those who nursed their bitterness remained invalids. It was as simple and as horrible as that.” Corrie Ten Boom
Who have you not forgiven yet?
Whether you forgive your transgressor face-to-face or you forgive them in your heart, forgiving others is the “key” to rebuilding your life. Like Corrie who surrendered her life to Jesus and turned to God who helped her break free from the power the offender had over her. You too can forgive my friend. When you do, you will be the one who is set free.